Satire
A Satirical Piece Sent by a Reader -
Another Statement on
Human Sexuality:
Because We Said So
In 2009, this church released A Statement on Human Sexuality: Gift and Trust. We offer this new Statement to amplify and build upon this church’s understanding of human sexuality as described back then.
In the prior Statement, we described four differing conscious-bound beliefs held by members of this church:
- Same-gender sexual behavior is sinful. People in same-gender relationships should repent and become celibate.
- Same-gender sexual behavior is inconsistent with God’s intent. People in same-gender relationships should not be married in this church.
- Monogamous, loving, life-long, non-celibate same-gender relationships are fine and should be supported by the community and this church. It is not proper, however, for such couples to be married in this church.
- Monogamous, loving, life-long, non-celibate same-gender relationships are fine and should be supported by the community and the church the same as opposite-sex relationships, including marriage in this church.
When we released the 2009 Statement, we elected not to reveal at that time that we considered viewpoints 1-3 to be erroneous, backwards, heathenistic, and most importantly, contrary to the direction that we have been taking this church. Viewpoint 4 was and is the correct interpretation of Scripture considering the understandable fallacies found in The Bible, owing to the inescapable human error and inherent biases of its male authors, their flawed understanding of God’s word, and the patriarchal hegemony to which they belonged. We judged, however, that acknowledging this point may not have met with universal acceptance across the wide membership of this church given how far the general membership trailed behind church leadership at that time (and still does, alas). As events were to prove, the judgment driving our subterfuge was prescient, though not completely effective, as a few members did after all decide to leave. But as they say in Latin, “Knobus dorus non impactus tuchus.”
As scholars seeking His truth, we’re not reluctant to speak confidently about the difficult, complex, and ambiguous realities of our modern world. When the spirit moves us to issue a Statement, we do. The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on. Actually, our purpose is to move you, not just our fingers. We don’t know why we just said that about our fingers. But if a Statement from just a few years ago strikes evolving ears as a bit quaint, or even obvious, then mission accomplished!—We’ve successfully moved this church in the same direction as the culture. Unfortunately the culture keeps moving too, or fortunately, depending on your point of view (ours), and there’s no rest for the weary. To avoid falling too far behind liberal college campuses such as Berkeley and the Progressive bloggers we follow, we return to our keyboards and computer screens post haste to rectify the situation. Hence this Statement.
We now realize that our 2009 Statement did not go far enough in recognizing the full panoply of human sexual experience that current and potential future members of this church have come to enjoy. Insisting, for example, that only those in monogamous, loving, life-long relationships be eligible to receive the full support of this church including marriage, was very hurtful to a great number of people, whom God made and loves too, who want to have their sexual activities celebrated by this church. It is also highly non-trivial to note that many of those denied our support by our 2009 Statement are quite wealthy and could provide a handsome surge of largess to the treasury of this church, not to mention the fact that one of them owns and operates a sumptuous resort in Cancun, the coincidentally-proposed site of a future leadership retreat.
Where were we? Oh yes, the rich and colorful tapestry of human sexual experience to be recognized by this church. Adultery, we have learned since the 2009 Statement, is wholly and fully consistent with the Laws of God. Are you surprised? Yes, we are quite aware of the Ten Commandments. [Which is the one about Adultery?—check this before publishing.] At any rate, we have discovered as a result of prayerful study of the Scriptures and giving them all the deference they are due (precious little, as it turns out—did you know they were written by white men, many of them wealthy patriarchs with horrible biases?!) that many adulterous relationships are just as tender, just as loving, and just as sexually satisfying as those of married couples—and in some cases even more so! Science has discovered that adulterers may actually be wired, either genetically or as a result of watching Internet pornography, to have a greater sexual appetite than the average person. Since God made them and loves them too, adultery must be perfectly ok with Him, QED. We understand that this finding may appear to the average lay person, who lacks the sophisticated theological training possessed by the authors of this Statement, to be inconsistent with the Commandment on Adultery [might be the Sixth—be sure to check], but having carefully studied the historical record, we can find no camera footage proving Moses DIDN’T chisel that nonsense into those tablets himself, and that’s assuming the whole business with Moses and the Israelites wandering in the desert wasn’t completely made up in the first place. Word of God, Shmerd of God.
As deeply religious people, we believe that God has given the law not only to reveal sin and order society, but also to point us to God’s intentions and promises for our lives. And in studying His law just the other day, lo and behold we discovered that “The Almighty” is totally cool with one-time anonymous sexual hookups too. We are not kidding—cross our hearts and hope to die. You see, as it turns out, there are millions of people—straight, gay, bisexual, and dozens of new and exciting sexual orientations emerging on a regular basis—who can only find fulfillment in the gift of human sexuality by getting their freak on with total strangers! [Note to self—potential stewardship mechanism to investigate.] And do we really have to say it? GMT<2. (God made them and loves them too.)
And while we’re at it, down with the cis-normative white male slave-holding Scripture-misstating patriarchy! [Note: Consider inserting denunciation of US Constitution and Donald Freaking Trump. Or is that a bridge too far?]
As faithful servants of God, we realize that He works in mysterious ways. And the next mystery we can now reveal is that there are, in fact, SOME sexual activities contrary to God’s word. That may seem shocking in light of revelations made earlier in this Statement, but nevertheless, we know for a fact that God absolutely hates a number of sexy things that people do. [Actually we have no way of knowing, as you should know by now, what God likes and doesn’t like. We just know you guys aren’t ready for them. Yet.]
Now this isn’t to say that you won’t be asked in a future Statement to embrace things you find offensive or disgusting today. In fact, that’s pretty much guaranteed. Given the trend of this church over the last 20 years, if that surprises you, what can we say? You just haven’t been paying attention.
At the present time, here is list[1] of the practices that “God” frowns upon as of this moment, mainly because they might cause some of the more squeamish members of this church to bolt, which would unnecessarily jeopardize accrual of bequests from our more elderly members:
- Sexual activity with animals
- Sexual activity with children
- Sexual activity with three or more people
- Sexual activity with close blood relatives
- Sexual activity involving bodily fluids other than saliva, mucus, or semen (ewww, gross!)
- Sexual activity with tight restraints intended to simulate bondage or choking
- Sexual activity in other dangerous or potentially lethal situations
- Sexual activity in public places with other people nearby
- Sexual activity with space aliens. (Note: Sex in space is A-OK.)
In closing, let us walk boldly together into the titillating future that that awaits. You ain’t seen nothing yet!
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[1] The attorneys advising this church have requested that we point out that this list is not necessarily complete and is subject to revision without prior notice.